I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Meow?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?