CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.