[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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We avoided this particular disaster
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The Onion called it…again.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet