Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this