I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You Might Also Like
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.