When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
sensitive skin
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.