[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Breaking news:
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”