Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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Livid.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*