Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
You Might Also Like
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.