Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
no one likes gloating