Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!