My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
is this how new cars are made??
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.