I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
WTF
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
how do y’all walk in shallow water
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.