-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
haha same
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would