The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.