[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*