Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You Might Also Like
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
#ProTip
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing