Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You Might Also Like
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Duck typos.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Running from your problems is cardio .
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.