When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
stand with me against insufficient seating
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.