I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
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I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
my favorite genre of twitter
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun