911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.