Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies