Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.