*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad