Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog