Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
You Might Also Like
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Stop sending me this shit.
asked my bf how work was today
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel