“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef