I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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FINAL OFFER
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right