At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.