Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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Golf would be better with landmines.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.