Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.