ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”