Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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Not messing around
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.