One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
nature’s most graceful animal
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture