If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
the greatest twitter interaction
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.