Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
oh my gosh!!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*