Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends