corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’m giving up for Lent.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
(yawn)
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.