I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up