Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.