How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”