There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Every photo I’m tagged in
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
WTF IS THAT!
I’m calling the cops.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream