Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
You Might Also Like
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.