Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?