[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Never be a pizza!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.