Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.