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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I鈥檝e asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I鈥檒l get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I鈥檒l be mad as hell!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
锛帮集锛鸡锛乕ponytail appears]
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.