If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.