My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
dam girl
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me