Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.